Is it a bad thing that I often think about the possibility of dying? My husband B never wants to talk about it. And I can't blame him really. If the roles were reversed I would be acting the same as him. But I find myself wanting to tie up any and all loose ends... "just in case". I want to write letters to loved ones or even make videos for them. Especially for B and Z. Heck if I died, Z would not remember me at all. And that is a sad thing. People get uncomfortable when I talk about the fact that it is possible I may die when I go through my transplant. I know there not going to agree with me, but I guess I just want everyone to know that it's a pretty serious thing. People look at me and I look healthy. Im not underweight, Im not weak andunable to take care of myself. I still like to go hang out with my friends and even dance now and then! So when people hear Im sick I feel they often think that I simply need to take medicine or maybe that I need a small operation. I always tell people that I honestly don't feel I'm going to die, and truly I DO feel everything will be fine. But when your put in the situation if you don't think about every possible outcome I don't think your preparing well enough.
Ever since getting my transplant date I find that I don't want to talk to people. I dont want to go out. I don't leave the house. It's almost like Im depressed. But I should want to go out now because I'm going to be stuck in a hospital room soon enough. But I can't get outta that rut that tells me to grab my son, and crawl into bed and stay there.
I get excited, and scared, and nervous, and hopeful, and sad all in the same hour. I cry for no reason, then I cry for many reasons. No one seems to be able to make me feel better. And I don't expect them to. But I hate this person. I don't recognize her. And she is getting really tired of being strong. But the months ahead is where Im really going to need that strength.
Me and my best friend!
Best Smile EVER!
Go bears!!
Me ...circa 2005?
2 comments:
Hey there
I don't even remember how I stumbled upon your blog (it was linked in someone's blog that I linked to from another, etc etc etc), but I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. I don't really know what you're going through, but I do work as a researcher at a cancer hospital in Boston where most of the patients whose cases I work with go on to bone marrow transplant, so I know about the process and the general scariness surrounding it along with the hopeful optimism that it will work. It's SUCH a big deal and I can't imagine all the emotions that are running through your head right now. So do what YOU need to do, even if it's grabbing your cute little guy and lying in bed for a while. I hope your transplant goes well - it's a long tough road, but I bet you'll make it through with flying colors and be yourself again :)
Take care now.
Al
Validation of your feelings is an important part of your preparation for the transplant. This is a big deal. It carries risks - which you know all too well. I imagine this to be a very scary (and exciting and many other emotions) time in your life ... and in the lives of those who love you. No one likes to think about the possible negative outcomes but it sounds like you need them to acknowledge it's there, however unlikely or unpleasant. I hope that you're all able to have a good heart to heart soon. It can only strengthen you to talk on that level!
What a gift to B and Z, the letters and videos you're putting together. Just think, as the years go by, what a wonderful way to capture this part of your lives together! I picture you watching them as a family many years from now :)
As for feeling bad that you're not out doing this and that ... I say, do what YOU want to do now. If that is laying in bed snuggling your men all day, GO FOR IT :) Be kind to yourself.
I'm here and cheering you on.
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