Hospital food anyone??

Thursday the 25th I was admitted to the hospital, my headaches were getting ridiculously worse, and the oxycodone wasn't touching it. They did another MRI of my head and compared it to the one I just had on the 11th. The clot had gotten larger and was therefor making it very difficult for my brain to drain as it should. The pressure was what was causing my headaches. They started me immediately on IV heparin to hopefully make sure the clot didn't get any worse. B stayed with me for the first 2 nights. and Bubba stayed at my parents house. I was surprise B wanted to stay overnight with me. The"chairbeds" are not comfortable at all. But it was nice to have him here. With the clot being in my brain there is always the risk of a stroke.

I had just started a new birth control pill on the 14th and even though it was progesterone based (as opposed to estrogen which has been shown to increase the risk of clot) the doctors thought that this pill was the reason the clot grew, even though I was on blood thinners. The doctors came in and told me that I was to stop taking the pill altogether, and to never try one again. They then said that they would recommend an IUD. I told them I wanted one too but that my PNH specialist told me that it would increase my risk for infections. They then tell me that I should look into getting my tubes tied. Even thinking about that makes me sick to my stomach. I am 25 years old. It's just heartbreaking. I know deep in my heart I should never have another child, before they wheeled me into surgery to deliver my miracle they flat out told me I had a 50/50 shot of making it through the surgery. So I realize that I am extremely blessed to have one child and maybe I'm being greedy, but I don't really care. I'm just being honest. In the back of my mind I keep thinking about how I would still be in "child bearing years" for another 10 - 15 YEARS. It's just not fair. B and I have talked about surrogacy and we even have one embryo on ice, but I know nothing about surrogacy or it's cost, as I'm sure insurance won't cover a cent. Then there is also adoption, and I really do think it's a wonderful thing. But I'm gonna be greedy here again, and admit that I dream having a little girl (or even boy) who look like me. Z is a spitting image of his father. B has often asked me if I wanted to take a maternity test to make sure he is really min. :) I just desperately want to have another child. I often day dream that my illness would just go into remission and that I'd be able to have children without a care in the world. Or I think about how if I ever do get a bone marrow transplant, would I then be able to have kids? It's just not fair. And today I'm allowing myself a "feel sorry for me day". Most of the time I remind myself that as many struggles as I DO have, my life is still incredible and I am more than blessed. B and I talked and he will call for an appointment get "snipped". He said it makes more sense, and is safer for him to have the procedure as opposed to me. And at least it is reversible if anything were to change.

I miss being pregnant. I think this is because I know it will probably never happen again, but also I think it's because I feel robbed in a way of my pregnancy with Z. I was only pregnant for 28 weeks and 3 days.. I didn't get to be huge, I didn't get to be awake for the delivery, I didn't get to hear his first cry, I didn't even get to see him the first day he was in this world, B wasn't allowed in the room during Z's birth. He didn't get to cut the chord. I didn't get to breast feed as my milk never fully came in. I think this was because my body was just too sick ad probably in a little bit of shock. If I used hospital pump I could get some milk, and I gave him everything I could for the first month of his life. But I missed that bonding. And knowing now that all of those experiences are probably the only ones I'll have,it just makes me sad.

Today my headaches FINALLY seem to be getting better. This more than likely means that the blood in my head has made alternative routes to drain so the pressure will decrease. I am hoping to be released tomorrow. I miss my little guy alot. Hope all is well with everyone.

Also... I am new to this whole online blogging thing...I am trying to "make friends" but I havn't really figured out how to go about that yet. Any suggestions? Thanks alot.